Friday, March 11, 2005

Pharyngula: The Musical (Part Five of Several)

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SCENE: Another dilapidated Lab at the University of Minnesota. A Sputtering Lantern illuminates PZ Myers, who is using a Miniature Fishnet to skim the Algae from an Enormous Fishtank. Enter the Pompous Narrator.

POMPOUS NARRATOR: A fond farewell--how touching! Julia had her Proteus; Colline, his coat; and then there was Mel Gibson, of course, taking most spectacular leave of his dignity. And here, we have our dear Mr. Myers, bidding adieu to his zebrafish!

The Narrator leaves the stage. PZ removes a fish from the tank and holds it aloft by the tail. Apparently oblivious to its Desperate Thrashing, he begins to Serenade the animal.

PZ MYERS: You've always been my favourite, Norbert, since you were no more than a pharyngula. If I don't come back after tonight, I just wanted you to know...

(Singing, with great Passion and Vigour.)

...that your covering integumentary,
scale upon glistering scale,
Outshines the lights firmamentary;
Jupiter's red face turns pale.

I've watched your nerve occulomotor
Tracing a path to your brain;
Your commissure infima of Haller
seemingly whispered my name.

From your pharyngoclaviculares
and dorsal and ventral transverse,
To your basal pterygiophor├Ęs,
Here's reminiscence in verse.

Enter Miss Johnson, her Sadly Neglected Young Swain, and Assorted Students, unnoticed.

MISS JOHNSON (whispering): He's saying his goodbyes.

MISS JOHNSON'S S.N.Y.S. (also whispering): Shall we give him a minute?

MISS JOHNSON: Or two, from the looks of it....

PZ MYERS: Your exquisite ceratobranchials--
Ah, a suborbital leak--

He wipes away a Stray Tear, with the hand that is not holding a Fish.

The blood in your afferent branchials
Renders me awestruck and weak.

These osseous hypurapophyses,
These radiant iridophores;
Farewell, for it's off to fight prophesies;
Farewell to you bright xanthophores.

Norbert the Fish now being quite Dead, PZ tosses him over his Shoulder. Miss Johnson catches him, and puts him in her Pocket.

MISS JOHNSON: Pardon me, sir.

PZ turns around.

MISS JOHNSON: It's almost time.

PZ MYERS (sighing): Already?

MISS JOHNSON'S S.N.Y.S.: Time and tide, sir.

PZ MYERS: In that case, I suppose--

He pulls on his Overcoat, which was Hitherto hanging over the Back of his Chair.


She begins to Sing.

Farewell to an era oppressive
Goodbye to a regime severe!

STUDENTS (joining in): It's only with action aggressive
We'll get any teaching done here.

PZ MYERS (getting into the spirit of things): Farewell to these furtive addresses,
Good riddance, ridiculous hours!
Goodbye to old men in long dresses
Annexing the things that are ours!

MISS JOHNSON'S S.N.Y.S.: We'll soon have our eight AM classes,
Our scalpels, our pens, and our books.
We'll wander these halls without passes;
No more of this slinking like crooks!

PZ MYERS: Three cheers for the rebirth of Science
Three boos for that pilfering Church!
We'll show them our hearty defiance,
All in the name of Research!

ALL: Farewell to an era oppressive
Goodbye to a regime severe!
It's only with action aggressive
We'll get any teaching done here (etc.)

PZ MYERS: To the Library!

ALL: The Library, ho! (And various similar expressions of Enthusiasm.)
Part 6


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