Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Pharyngula: The Musical (Part Four of Several)

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ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR

Enter His Holiness, the Grand Inquisitor of the Church of Divine Creation, wearing Golden Robes with a Hat to Match, and an Appropriate Air of Dignity. He carries a Bejeweled Scepter, which he bangs upon the Floor to command attention. The Churchgoers stop singing abruptly.

HIS HOLINESS: Is this how you comport yourself in the house of God? Show some respect!

The Pompous Narrator rushes onstage, Interjecting himself between Inquisitor and audience.

POMPOUS NARRATOR: His Holiness, the Bishop Scorpio, Devoted and Pious man of--

His Holiness seizes the Narrator by the Collar, and begins to Thrust Him Offstage

POMPOUS NARRATOR (speaking as quickly as possible): --God, paragon of Faith and Humility; Grand Inquisitor of the Church of Divine Creation!

His Holiness tosses the Narrator bodily from the stage. A Crash and a Groan emanate from the Wings. After enjoying a Moment of Silence, His Holiness addresses his Flock.

HIS HOLINESS: Let these walls resound with praises
Let each echo speak His name.
Blessed is the man who raises
Every fleeting breath the same.

Various Churchgoers join in, raising a Celestial Hymn to appease the Admonitions of His Holiness.

CHURCHGOERS: Hollow vaults, declaim His glory
Magnify our paltry hymn.
Day and night, repeat His story
Praise and homage be to Him.

His Holiness mounts the pulpit. A Conveniently-Placed Stage-Light shines upon him like Illumination from Heaven.

HIS HOLINESS: Let our hearts' impassioned beating
Set our anthem's fervent pace.
Let our voices' joyous meeting
Dignify this holy place.

CHURCHGOERS: Let our praises soar forever,
Borne on wings of fervid praise.
Let our song go on, unsevered,
For a hundred nights and days.

Let our chant peal forth, unceasing;
Let us praise Him to the skies.
Passion evermore increasing,
Raise a hymn that never dies!

Let each man, however lowly,
Join our consecrated choir.
Let him join in descant holy;
Let his ardour never tire.

HIS HOLINESS: Let our hearts' impassioned beating (etc.)

CHURCHGOERS: Hollow vaults, declaim His glory (etc.)

HIS HOLINESS: Amen.

ALL: Amen, amen, amen.

POMPOUS NARRATOR (offstage, muffled, with great Sarcasm): Amen, amen; at last!

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL (prostrating himself at the Foot of the Pulpit): Your Holiness.

HIS HOLINESS: Rise, my son, and tell me--what news of this PZ Myers?

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL (to the tune of the Rowdy Theme from Scene Three, but in a Less Rowdy Fashion): The Library's under attack;
They're coming to get their books back.
At midnight tonight,
They're coming to fight....

HIS HOLINESS (aside): (These heathens cry out for the rod.
PZ, you make me forget God!)
We'll meet them; we'll fight.
We'll show them what's right....

ALL (recapitulating the Rowdy Theme): PZ's not as bright as he looks!
We'll burn every one of his books!
We'll scatter their ashes apace;
We'll countermand Reason with Grace!

To rise, to fight (etc.)

The Churchgoers take up various Torches and Blunt Instruments, and file offstage in a Mob, led by His Holiness. The Narrator takes their place, carrying an Enormous Switch, which he Flips, somehow ending their Objectionable Song mid-verse.

POMPOUS NARRATOR: What a ghastly song! What a Vicious Mob! And what is to become of P.Z. Myers and his gang of Remarkably Melodious Students?

The Curtain is drawn, and begins to sweep the Narrator offstage.

POMPOUS NARRATOR: Refreshments are on sale in the lobby! Please proceed in single file! Act Two shall commence in--

The curtain pushes the Narrator into the Wings

POMPOUS NARRATOR (shouting): --IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!

End of Act One
Part 5

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