Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Pharyngula: The Musical (Part Three of Several)

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NOTE: In tonight's performance of The Crucible Tongs, the role of the Pompous Narrator will be played by PZ Myers. The role of PZ Myers will be sung by the illustrious Mr. Danny DeVito.

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

SCENE: A Most Well-Appointed Church, bedecked with candles and stained glass windows, and everything with which a Prosperous Church might find itself bedeck'd. Various Churchgoers are present, wearing Rather Disturbing White Vestments.

POMPOUS NARRATOR: Ah, the SEAT OF THE-O-CRA-CY itself: the Church of Divine Creation! The pious go about their business. Praying. Blessing. CON-SPIRING! Murther most foul!

The Narrator flounces off, nose in the air.

CHURCHGOER A (doing something benedictual with a piece of bread): Praise be to God.

CHURCHGOER B (breaking off and eating some bread): Hallelujah.

ALL: Amen.

A short period of bustling, set to a Fine Orchestral Accompaniment, ensues. The Churchgoers light candles, fill censers, and Occupy Themselves With Various Churchly Duties. A Senior Church Official enters, wearing a silly hat.

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: Don't get up, really, don't get up.

Nobody gets up, except those who were already standing, and who consequently don't count. S. Church Official looks mildly put out.

Churchgoer A offers S. Church Official some bread.

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL (eating bread): Hallelujah, praise God, and amen.

He inspects Various Churchly Matters. At length, satisfied, he begins to Sing.

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: Our lamb amongst the wolves--what news?

CHURCHGOER A: He says we're safe; we cannot lose.

CHURCHGOER B: Myers has not guessed our ruse.

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: It's almost ten o'clock at night.
Iscariot's nowhere in sight!
Brother, search now; use this light.

He hands Churchgoer A a candle. The music swells Dramatically as Churchgoer A heads off into the Wings, presumably searching. He returns almost immediately, with Mr. Iscariot in tow, and, unfortunately, with the Narrator as well.)

POMPOUS NARRATOR: Mr. IS-CARIOT, in the flesh. Students these days! Cutting class to attend CHURCH!

The Narrator exits stage right, shaking his head. Mr. Iscariot approaches S. Church Official with great agitation.

MR. ISCARIOT: Reporting from the Den of Iniquity, sir!

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: Proceed.

MR. ISCARIOT: It's just as we thought--Mr. Myers has not
Surrendered his books; in addition, he's got
A credulous crew, which we've codenamed "The Zoo"
Attending his lectures, and taking notes, too.
He's holding his class during preordained Mass.
He blusters and blasphemes; his teachings are crass.
And, further, the man has concocted a plan
He's coming at midnight, defying our ban!

CHURCHGOER A: He couldn't!

CHURCHGOER B: He wouldn't!

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: You don't mean--

MR. ISCARIOT: The Library!

Collective gasps.

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: The rebels are after the books!

MR. ISCARIOT (breathless): (Midnight, tonight!)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: PZ's not as bright as he looks.

MR. ISCARIOT: (They said...they'd fight!)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: We'll soon have them all in one place!

MR. ISCARIOT: (They'll fight...all right.)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: We'll vanquish their Reason with Grace.

MR. ISCARIOT: (They'll fight...all right...midnight...tonight!)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: We'll smother their theories in prayers

MR. ISCARIOT: (He's quite...a sight.)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: God help the teacher who dares

MR. ISCARIOT: (His eyes...alight!)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: To rise, to fight

MR. ISCARIOT: (They'll fight...all right.)

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: The truth, the light

MR. ISCARIOT: (Yes, quite...a sight...they'll fight...tonight!)

CHURCH OFFICIAL and MR. ISCARIOT: We'll fight for right, for right tonight!

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: That PZ's as dim as he looks!
He'll never escape with the books.
With all of the churls in one place
We'll scatter their Reason with Grace.
We'll crush all their theories with prayers
And God help the teacher who dares
To rise, to fight
Our truth, our light
The Church will win tonight!

MR. ISCARIOT: Midnight, tonight (etc.)!

S. CHURCH OFFICIAL: God help the teacher who dares (etc.)

The Churchgoers all cluster round, holding Torches and Tapers on high.

ALL: To rise, to fight
The truth, the light
The Church will fight, and RISE tonight!

PZ's not as bright as he looks!
We'll burn every one of his books!
We'll scatter their ashes apace
We'll countermand Reason with Grace!

We'll rise, we'll fight
We're truth; we're right
The Church will fight, and RISE tonight!

Those Churchies sure are rowdy! One fears for the intrepid PZ Myers and his gang of Equally Intrepid Students! How will it all end? Will PZ emerge triumphant, books in hand, or will the Church, indeed, prove victorious? And will this terrible song ever end? Only time will tell....
Part 4

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