Monday, March 07, 2005

Pharyngula: The Musical (Part Two of Several)

[Contents] [<] [>]

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

With a great whooshing of Corduroy, P.Z. Myers enters the Classroom, bearing a Huge Armful of Dilapidated Books. The Students breathe a sigh of relief.

POMPOUS NARRATOR (strolling past as PZ greets his students): Ladies and GENTLEMEN, Professor P.Z. Myers, Soldier of the Set-Square, Crusader of the Crucible, Prince of the Pocket Protector!

PZ gives the Narrator a Very Strange Look Indeed.

PZ MYERS: Where's Mr. Iscariot?

MISS JOHNSON: He's late.

PZ MYERS: Knowledge waits for no man.

(Bursting into song)

Knowledge!

How is a professor to impart
The principles of science or of art?
What separates a pedagogue from a mere pedant?

How can a professor hope to teach
Concepts just beyond his students' reach?
Without a well-stocked library, he simply can't.

PZ sighs.

MISS JOHNSON: A library? But the library's been closed since--

MR. ISCARIOT comes slinking in, late.

PZ MYERS: Good of you to join us, Mr. Iscariot.

MR. ISCARIOT (with heavy sarcasm): Sorry. The library was closed.

Assorted laughs. PZ, always the wise mentor, ignores the hubbub and proceeds to address the assembled Students.

PZ MYERS: The Library is opening tonight.
We won't give up our books without a fight!
We won't let Schwann and Virchow rot away;
We won't consign Mendel to yesterday.

VARIOUS MUTTERING STUDENTS: - But how?
- But the Church--?
- It's not possible.

PZ MYERS: A wise man knows his enemy, say I;
A wise man does not curse his lot and sigh.
Tonight, the Church decrees a holiday
When all the faithful sit at home and pray.
Their confidence has overweening grown;
One guard shall watch the Library alone.

MISS JOHNSON: One guard shall watch the Library, alone?

PZ MYERS: One guard shall watch the Library, alone.

ALL: One guard shall watch the Library, alone.
The doors will part; the Church shall be o'erthrown!
The Library is opening tonight!
We won't give up our books without a fight!
We won't let Schwann and Virchow rot away;
We won't consign Mendel to yesterday!

MISS JOHNSON: Darwin will be nobly reinstated!

MISS JOHNSON'S S.N.Y.S.: I always thought the Church was overrated.

PZ MYERS: Reasoning will soon replace religion.

ALL: The Church will be a fancy perch for pigeons!
One guard shall watch the Library, alone.
The doors will part; the Church shall be o'erthrown!
The Library is opening tonight!
We won't give up our books without a fight (etc.)

As PZ and company sing, MR. ISCARIOT sneaks away in a most Suspicious Manner. By some Great Stage Miracle, nobody notices.

PZ MYERS: One guard shall watch the Library, alone!
We'll free our books from mortar, brick, and stone!

Exeunt all, singing a rousing chorus:

ALL: The Library is opening tonight!
We won't give up our books without a fight (etc.)
Part 3

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