When I Was A Lad

Pharyngula: In which I lose patience with these drooling gomers

WIZBANG PAUL:
When I was a lad I went to school
And took to skepticism as a rule;
The teacher showed man's bumbl-ing
And we learnt how science can be humbl-ing.

CHORUS:
And we learnt how science can be humbl-ing.

WIZBANG PAUL:
I practised doubt so doughtily
That now I am an expert in biology.

CHORUS:
He practised doubt so doughtily
That now he is an "expert" in biology.

WIZBANG PAUL:
I took my simple skeptic mind
And applied it cluelessly to Einstein
Who showed old Isaac's theories lack
And proved that Newton was a worthless hack!

CHORUS:
And "proved" that Newton was a worthless hack!

WIZBANG PAUL:
I practised doubt so dubiously
That now I can't believe the law of gravity.

CHORUS:
He practised doubt so dubiously
That now he can't believe in relativity.

WIZBANG PAUL:
I wrote a blog denying stuff
To show that science geeks were not so tough.
I touted trite creationist tropes
Then wondered why they grouped me with those dopes.

CHORUS:
Then wondered why they grouped him with those dopes.

WIZBANG PAUL:
I practised doubt so public-ly
That now I've shown my ignorance for all to see.

CHORUS:
He practised doubt so public-ly
That now he's shown his ignorance for all to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PHUNICULAR:
When Wizbang claims that we know naught
It's just a projection of his lack of thought;
He's taken doubt to new extremes
To avoid admitting to his simian genes.

CHORUS:
To avoid admitting to his simian genes.

PHUNICULAR:
He practised doubt so gormlessly
That now he can't distinguish fact from sophistry.

CHORUS:
He practised doubt so gormlessly
That now he can't distinguish fact from sophistry.

PHUNICULAR:
Now bloggers all, please learn from this
If you want to criticize "the synthesis"
Take time to learn how evo works
And shun the religion of the I.D. jerks.

CHORUS:
And shun the religion of the I.D. jerks.

PHUNICULAR:
So read and read, it's there for free
And you can start to understand biology.

CHORUS:
So read and read, it's there for free.
(Dear G & S, we owe you an apology.)

Catachism Catalyzes Cranial Catagenesis

Pharyngula: Man, look at all them cats

I asked on catastrophist chat
if Noah's ark carried a cat.
They told me, "Yeah, plenty,
approximately twenty—
they're tasty and very low fat."

No More One-Click Wonders

Pharyngula: A question about this site...

What's this? Our one-click world will die?
Our daily dose of snickering snark--
A broadband feast of fools stir-fried
With slug or squid or wry remark?
Our extra ergs of clicks you'd cause
To save your server excess stress
And aid the dial-up dinosaurs?!

(It's cool. I read with RSS.)

Sticky Pages

Pharyngula: Slugs 'n' bugs 'n' books

I remember when I was at school
thinking Taylor's Mollusca were cool.
But of all the old books
there was more slime in Hooke's
from zoology nerds and their drool.

Brains!

Pharyngula: Maybe it's just me

Asks PZ, "Is it only me
who hears that pseudo-nominee
and, chuckling, thinks immediately
of brains encased in comedy?"
Distracted Andy, squirms with squee
(or Freudian associativity?)
of mud-bound Scum-Queen repartee
and dreams of dates with prof PZ.
Then "O! Em! Gee!" exclaims NelC
"It's Terri's cranial cavity
that Hammesfahr is keen to see
support his corporal amputee!"
PZ, with equanimity,
replies "He loves her brain, maybe?"

Can I be Goth Too?

Pharyngula: Great galloping vampire bats!

Hush! hush! my dark enchantress, don't you weep.
My love for you, a love they call a sin,
Heeds not the fears of dull bipedal sheep
But knows your beauty deeper than mere skin.
Hush! hush! my graceful angel of the night
And soar for me in sweeps of wild romance,
For had I wings we'd whirl and twine in flight,
Yet earthbound, still I thrill for your swift dance.
Hush! hush! my somber mistress, moan no more
Of hateful epithets and tales untrue
About your tastes. 'Tis these that I adore:
The appetite we share binds me to you.
My dear Desmodus, shed no tears for now.
Come run with me; I see a sleeping cow.

Darwin's Band

Pharyngula: Charles Darwin has a posse

Apologies to P.P. Bliss¹

Standing on objective fact,
Seeing life firsthand,
Shining light that doctrine lacked;
All hail to Darwin's band!

Dare to be a Darwin;
Dare let facts be shown;
Dare to see life as it is;
Dare to make it known.

Many mighty minds are mired,
Sunk in dogma's sand;
Would that they could be inspired
By joining Darwin's band.

Dare to be a Darwin;
Dare let facts be shown;
Dare to see life as it is;
Dare to make it known.

Many trolls, thick, deaf and stale,
Teaching Dubya's land,
Would in vain the truth assail
Were more in Darwin's band.

Dare to be a Darwin;
Dare let facts be shown;
Dare to see life as it is;
Dare to make it known.

¹ And wouldn't you love to have a name like that?

Threatening

Pharyngula: A Lovecraftian auditory phenomenon
Pharyngula: I want a living will like this

Terri,
A soulless husk,
A human monument,
Shows the fragility of life
In law.

No student left awake

Pharyngula: Oh, no, not a new edition!

High school biology, chapter one:
"In the beginning God..."
High school biology, lesson one:
Off to the land of nod.

I can make sense of it

Pharyngula: Victor Zammit, the Latest Kook in my Collection

His methods of flight are advanced—
Larus occidentalis enhanced.
Zammit's height, I'd explain,
comes from sources mundane:
He's supported by gulls he's entranced.

Lecture Preparation Differences

Pharyngula: I'm Beautiful--On The Inside

When a lecture's about to begin
Mr Myers seeks pow'r from within,
and the song that he hums
(done his own way) becomes,
"I've got myself under my skin."

Ere I lecture a crowd I just sit,
for it settles my nerves just a bit
if I ponder my gut
and its maximal glut,
and then think what I plan to emit.

Equus cabala

Pharyngula: Iconic horse evolution

"Fear not!" said Wells, for weighty facts
Had warped their troubled creed;
"Glad findings, full of joy, I bring
In fossils of the steed.

"For unto us is born this day,
Of Eohippus' line,
Cabalist's Equus caballus
(Creationist design).

"Illumined dreams relate that in
Phylogenetic knots
A covert constellation hides,
So come, let's join the dots!"


While many want for wit to judge
The wood from all the trees,
Who blinded John, that by a hedge
One branch is all he sees?

Our thanks PZ; you dare to delve
In dankest Wells to find
All nature's stories glibly snipped
To suit a one-track mind.

Goin’ to Carolina in my Mind

Pharyngula: North Carolina: I don't know how you smell, but some of your 'educators' stink

I can hear the Aussies laughing:

"In Australia our culture dictates
that we're patient with ignorant mates.
But this teacher was bats,
preaching bull to the brats,
so we bought her a flight to the States."

Arise My Brothers!

Pharyngula: So then, Wichita would be like Minas Tirith?
irrationalRobot: We've been letting Mordor gather power for too long

My brother orcs, I tell you straight, them men are telling lies.
We're more than Melkor's mix 'n' match,
The products of some brew or batch.
We're pure creations, made to serve our Master, only wise.

My brother orcs, what can we do to teach men better ways?
They think we got no heart or soul,
As dumb as any mountain troll.
They curse our righteous Master and refuse to give Him praise.

My brother orcs, you seen them men; you heard how they blaspheme.
They claim our Master can't be good!
His plans for peace—misunderstood.
Just one true leader, ever more, all seeing and supreme.

My brother orcs, there's war to wage against them evil men.
They hate our freedom, hate our guts;
To win our peace we'll kick their butts;
One nation under Sauron's name. To Him be praise.
Amen.